How he came to adopt his child
A short story
“He said—” Laurie realized she was speaking louder than she’d intended. She pulled Susan closer and got quiet. “He said he didn’t want to have a Chinese baby.”
But she wasn’t quiet enough for Lawrence not to hear. He was just a few steps away, holding his plastic cup out for Jeff to fill with scotch, but when he heard Laurie he turned and Jeff ended up spilling the scotch on the floor.
“That’s not fair Laurie,” Lawrence said. “It’s got nothing to do with the baby being Chinese.”
“Well that’s what you said. You said you didn’t want to have a Chinese baby. Those were your exact words.”
Now the whole office could hear. A few heads, adorned with Santa Claus hats, subtly turned to hear better.
“Right, but you’re making it sound like it’s the Chinese part that bothers me. It’s not the Chinese part that bothers me.”
“Oh please.” Laurie stomped out of the room as fast as her high heels would allow.
Lawrence turned back to Jeff to get his cup filled with scotch. Jeff filled it. Then he said, “Shouldn’t you get that?”
Lawrence sipped the spirit, winced, and shook his head. “When she gets like this there’s nothing I can do. She’ll stew, she’ll come back, we’ll work it out. You’ll see.”
He took another sip and scanned the room. “You think the whole office thinks I’m a racist now?”
“I think the whole office already thought you were a racist.”
“Right.”
“But it’s okay. Yakamoto hates Chinese people.”
“That’s for sure.”
They both leaned against a window and made eye contact with Mr. Yakamoto’s disconcerted face across the room. They raised their glasses and the man nodded.
Jeff said, “What he doesn’t like is in-office relationships.”
Lawrence sighed. “The thing is— it wouldn’t be a problem if my dick worked. If my dick worked, we would just have a baby. Then everyone would be looking at ultrasounds of our little baby instead of speculating on how well our relationship is going. If my dick worked, it wouldn’t even be part of the conversation.”
“That’s how dicks are supposed to work, right? If they do what they’re supposed to do they should be invisible to everyone other than the one person you’re showing it to.”
“Exactly. I feel like a thirteen year old in gym class.”
Yakamoto was suddenly crossing the room.
“Please don’t leave me.”
“You’re on your own.”
Jeff walked away.
“Lawrence,” Yakamoto said when he had arrived.
“Haru, happy holidays.” They cheersed and each took a sip.
“You are struggling to have a child.”
“Yes, it is true. We’re investigating our options.”
“They have this stuff. What is it called? Blue Chew, I think it is.”
“Oh yes, I’m familiar.”
“Have you tried it?”
“I have tried it, yes. But that’s not the issue. I can assure you that’s not the issue.”
Yakamoto grunted. “Then you are looking to adopt.”
“I would like to avoid adoption. I would like to have a child that is my own, you know.”
Yakamoto looked Lawrence up and down. “You would like your genes to live on, in other words.”
“Well I don’t know about my genes, necessarily. I mean, look at me, it’s not like I have the strongest genes exactly.” Yakamoto was not amused by this. “Maybe I’m just overthinking this,” Lawrence went on, “But I would really like my child to be my own, you know? I would like him or her or whatever to be a combination of me and Laurie. Because otherwise it’s almost like it’s not really my kid. I mean, I assume when you actually raise an adopted child, they feel like your own, but I don’t know. It just feels like it’s not quite real, you know?”
Yakamoto took a deep breath in. “I adopted my daughter from a friend of mine from back when I lived in Tokyo. Her mother committed suicide. Her father, my friend, found himself unable to care for a child. He asked me if I could take her in. I did. And I can tell you right now, my relationship with my daughter is totally real. It is 100% real and I love her more than I love myself.”
“Of course.”
“The concern you have is a common one. When it is not a ‘natural’ birth so to speak, people assume that it is somehow less real. But there are no rules for what is real. What is is what’s real. My daughter may have been a stranger to me when I first held her in my arms but after caring for her these past 25 years, I can assure you she is 100% my real daughter. Technicalities are not what is real. What you do is what is real.”
“That is a very touching story, Haru. I mean, I didn’t know— thank you for sharing that. Really.”
“Good luck,” Yakamoto said. He began moving away and then stopped. “You should consider finding a different company to work for. Or she might. These things, they’re not good. Don’t worry about Starpoint. There are plenty of portfolio managers who can replace you.”
“I understand. Yes. Thank you, Haru.”
Yakamoto moved on.
Lawrence took a big sip of scotch and looked out the window, cursing under his breath. He shook his head. It was done. He’d said what he had said. He couldn’t go back now. But was Yakamoto saying he should leave? Does Yakamoto want him gone? Was he already planning to get rid of him? Was this whole office relationship merely a good excuse to be gone with him? Would he have to start shopping his resume around? Jesus Christ, would he have to interview again?
He took another sip. He was stupid. There were car lights on in the dark parking lot below. What was going on out there?
Jeff slapped his shoulder. “So how was that?”
“Why didn’t anyone tell me Yakamoto adopted his fucking daughter?”
“He did? Oh no, you didn’t—”
“Yeah, I did. I told him an adopted child wouldn’t feel like a real child. So I’m done. No more for me here.”
“You’re fine. Yakamoto’s not as scary as he seems.”
“Yeah, that’s coming from you. You ran away at the first sight of him.”
“I mean I don’t like talking to the guy, that’s for sure.”
“What is going on down there?” Lawrence was referring to the parking lot where the car lights were on. In front of it was a big grass field where it appeared there was a woman laying down rolling around. His phone dinged. It was Susan: “Can you come down to the lot?”
“Oh no,” Lawrence said. “It’s Laurie.”
Lawrence pushed open the heavy crash bar door leading the lot. Jeff was close behind him. Susan was standing by the car with its headlights on, her phone in her hand.
“She’s hysterical,” Susan said. “I tried to take her home. She wouldn’t get in the car.”
“Thank you, Susan. I’ll take it from here.”
He stepped onto the grass. Mary was no longer rolling in the light. She was no where. Then he saw her, far beyond the light: a figure in the dark field. He started jogging.
“I wanna go, I wanna go, I wanna go, I wanna go.” She was muttering this to herself while she grabbed her long hair with her hands.
“Laurie, come on now,” he said. “There’s no reason to be like this.”
“Oh, yeah,” she said. Her voice was not her own. “There’s no reason to be like this. You have no idea why I’d be like this, do you?”
“What does that mean? Come on. Let’s go home. I’m sober enough to drive now. In a little bit, I won’t be.”
“There’s no home to go back to. Home doesn’t feel like home with you. You have no idea how to make a home.”
“You know I think I’m quite tidy, compared to a lot of other guys. Let’s just get out of here before the whole office sees.”
“Tidy? You think homemaking is all about tidiness?” She laughed. “We’re doomed, Lawrence. We’re doomed if you think tidiness is all it takes to make a home.”
“Well then let’s go home and you can tell me all the ways we can make it feel like a home.”
“You know,” she said. She rushed towards him now and fell into his arms, her crazy eyes looking up at him. “You know what it takes to make a home, Lawrence. Give me a child. Please, God, give me a child.”
“You know I want that. I want nothing more than that.”
She shook herself out of his arms and walked away, waving her arms in the air. “You want nothing more than that. You say you want nothing more than that but you don’t do anything about it. If you wanted it you would do anything for it.”
“I will do anything for it. We’re still exploring options. When we find the best one we’ll go with that.”
“But you don’t want to adopt, huh?”
“Maybe we can adopt. We don’t know if that’s the best thing for us.”
“Why aren’t you desperate? Why aren’t you desperate to do anything to have a child with me, huh? Answer me! Why not?”
“This is ridiculous. I can’t win here.” He started walking back towards the lot.
“There it is. You don’t want to deal with me. You don’t want to adopt because then you know you’ll have to deal with me the rest of your life. You don’t want to do it.”
He looked up at the office window, where silhouettes were standing and talking. He could hear the Christmas music faintly. Most of the people still seemed to be mingling and having a good time. But there was one figure, the distinct, husky shape of Yakamoto, that was standing by the window, his arms crossed. He was watching.
Lawrence turned back to Laurie. “I didn’t want to adopt at first because I thought it wouldn’t feel real. Like it wouldn’t really be our kid. I was stupid. I’m open to it now.”
Laurie rushed into his arms again. “So we can adopt? Really?”
Her eyes were so happy now. She was sweet again. He knew if he looked away it would all fall apart and there would be nothing he could do. He couldn’t see him but he could feel Yakamoto watching him.
“Yes,” he said. “We can adopt.”
She kissed him. Then she started towards the lot with him. He steadied her as she tottered on her high heels. “Oh, yes, yes, yes. I’m so happy,” she said.
He glanced back up at the office. Yakamoto wasn’t there.